Karma's Eavesdropping
by The Mock Turtles
Summary: Balthier hears more than he bargained for. In-game. Innuendos ahead!
1. Chapter 1

**T I T L E** : Naughty Karma Eavesdropping  
**C H A P T E R **: Chapter One  
**A U T H O R** : ViviBell  
**R A T I N G** : T  
**S P O I L E R S** : Not really, no.  
**P A I R I N G S** : Ha... Quite a few as far as this fic is concerned.  
**S U M M A R Y** : Its not polite to eavesdrop!  
Balthier finds out first hand that you wont always find out things you want to hear!  
meant to be a comedy

**D I S C L A I M E R** : Don't own SquareEnix's FFXII - or any of its original characters.

* * *

Balthier returned from the cockpit of the Strahl, fusing the door shut with a cryptic code.

"That's all for tonight, Nono, the ol' girl needs a rest," the sky-pirate told the petit Moogle to his right while giving the walls of his vessel an affectionate tap. It was late; so late in fact that it was practically the early hours of the coming morning, however Balthier knew that were they going to find a safe settlement that it was best to stay on board the Strahl since they were currently far from any main cities of towns.  
Nono gave a yawn; miniature fangs appearing under tuffs of white fur.

"Okay! Night-night, kupo!"

"Goodnight, ku-" Balthier paused before he had time to reiterate the infamous saying of the Moogles, giving his head a weary rub. He really needed to sleep.

His cabin lay in the middle of the ship; two doors ahead of Vaan's room and one from Basch's. Fran had retired early that night and Balthier kept his footsteps light and dainty to avoid too much disturbance, though he doubted that would keep his long-eared partner from waking up. She was such a light sleeper that even the chirp of a cricket seemed to coax her from her naps.  
There was a sudden fit of laughter outside Vaan's compartment, and the captain could not help but stop when he heard the feminine giggles coming from inside the room.

"Eavesdropping, Balthier?" he scolded, preparing to move on though there was no doubting that his interests were piped by the boy's girlish chortle.

"Shush! Penelo, stop laughing!"

"Oh, Vaan it looks so stupid!"

_Oh Lord. _Balthier felt his legs stiffen at the sound of the two orphans giggling away in Vaan's quarter. He was pleased to find that it was Penelo who had been laughing originally, however, the fact that she was in his room at this hour made him question their motives. His nostrils flared somewhat while he listened to the wannabe pirate trying to contain his own fit of laughter as he hushed his companion.

"Come on! Concentrate – you need to learn how to do this!"

There was an inelegant snort on Penelo's behalf. "Sorry, _professor_."

"Now, hold it – yeah, that's it… and grip it a little tighter. It ain't as fragile as it looks!"

"Fragile? This thing looks like it could slice me in half!" she exclaimed in disbelief, again only to be hushed by Vaan.

"Move your hands up and down and get acquainted with it."

"Like this?"

"Perfect! How does it feel?"

"Firm, a little heavy, but it feels better than I thought it would! I am glad you bribed me into this, Vaan!"

Balthier unknowingly, scuttled closer to the door, able only to hear the muted thuds of movement from where he currently stood. The wording was difficult to interpret, and for once in his life, Balthier found himself wishing for ears like Fran so he could better understand what was being said behind the iron barrier that stood between him and the teenagers.

The gentle resonance created by his shuffling overwhelmed the sounds coming in from the inside, nonetheless, Balthier just managed to make out the ends of a moan coming from Vaan. His lips twisted into a grimace and he was once again, backing away from the door, preferring to not hear as much detail as he had previously wanted.

"Oh! Oh! Vaan I am sorry! Did that hurt?"

"Nah – it's alright 'Nelo!"

"I'm never going to be good at this!"

"Don't worry! You're getting' better – honest; you just have to be a little more careful with it! Look, just stop worrying and just go all out! You have to relax with it. It isn't going to bite…" There was a brief pause and Balthier noticed that Vaan was giving low grunts of approval.

"Much better! See? It ain't so hard. Give it a few more swipes and you'll be done."

"Good! I was getting' tired from all that. Its pretty hard on the wrists and palm."

"Well, you've got small hands. Takes more effort to cover it, I guess! But hey, you've got a real knack for it Penelo! Pity you don't have one yourself so you could practice in your room."

Balthier's brow gave a twitched.

"I know! Shame that! Oh well, we've got tomorrow night too!"

"Definitely! I'm worried though Penelo!"

"Why?"

"We keep on at it and sooner or later you're going to be better at it than some of the guys I've been with!"

Balthier lurched behind the doorway, clasping his hand against the door frame as he heard Vaan utter those words. Unfortunately, he had outstayed his welcome and he was paying for it in more ways than one. _God, I am scarred for life!_ He thought as he tried to erase the images flashes through his mind.

"D'ya hear that?" Vaan said suddenly, pulling away from his friend and wandering towards the door. He paused briefly, before opening the entry with renewed vigor, positive that he was going to find a culprit listening in on their conversation. Rather, he was met with the eerie silence of a desolate hallway; not one soul from here to the end of t he corridor.

"Anyone there?" Penelo inquired, resting a hand on Vaan's shoulder, using him for balance as she peered over to investigate herself.

"Nope. Must be hearing things."

--

"I must be hearing things!" Balthier exclaimed as he paced about inside his cabin, removing his blouse while he sauntered. As he had predicted, Fran was awake and was propped up neatly against her own separate bed, watching her partner with feigned curiosity. She had obviously been interrupted by his listless ambling and unintelligible chatter. Her ears twitched as he continued to mutter to himself, making less and less sense the more her progressed.

"Are you sure you do not need medical attention?"

"What? Oh no, I just need a few glasses of ale and some well-deserved rest," came his short reply before he wandered over to his own mattress, plopping himself down without the faintest idea that the Viera was still watching him closely.  
After a seconds pause he let out an uneasy laughter, scratching his head as if it had suddenly been infested with nits. It would have been comical to Fran had she not been concerned with Balthier's well-being. He was usually articulate and poised; not giggling and bipolar.

"Are you sure-"

"I'm going to have to talk to those two tomorrow. Give 'em a chat about the birds and bees. Well, from what I heard they certainly know the mechanisms of how it all works!"

Fran cocked a brow as the sky-pirate turned round and curled into his bed, grumbling a 'goodnight' before one final chuckle. She was left glowering at him from her corner of the room; unsure whether it was safe to leave him in such a state. Her ears gave another anxious jerk and she shook her head.

Despite her many years, she had much to learn about the minds of Humes.


	2. Chapter 2

**T I T L E** : Naughty Karma Eavesdropping  
**C H A P T E R **: Chapter Two  
**A U T H O R** : ViviBell  
**R A T I N G** : T - Uh, mature themes, but nothing explicit. Its more the language that is... coarse. Slightly  
disturbing humor to say the least.  
**S P O I L E R S** : Not really, no.  
**P A I R I N G S** : Ha... Quite a few as far as this fic is concerned.  
**S U M M A R Y** : Its not polite to eavesdrop!  
Balthier finds out first hand that you wont always find out things you want to hear!  
**  
D I S C L A I M E R** : Don't own SquareEnix's FFXII - or any of its original characters.

* * *

The next morning Balthier awaited the blonde duo in the cockpit, rehearsing lines in his head while fiddling with the knobs and buttons of the Strahl so that he appeared occupied – despite the fact that no one was with him the room.

As ordered, Vaan and Penelo came knocking on his door once they had taken off in the direction of the district of Dalmasca.  
They looked so innocent poised by the door; two teenagers teetering on the edge of adulthood. The conversation of last night dawned on Balthier again and he could not repress a low moan of apprehension regarding the topic he was going to address.

"Have a seat," he said, gesturing with his hands at the two seats behind his own. Vaan looked dubious; glancing cautiously at Penelo who simply glowered at her cohort – seeming to think that Vaan must have pulled another stunt that would get them both in trouble.  
Once they were settled, the uneaseness began to settle in. Balthier fumbled on words that he had been rehearsing, unsure what to say, and where to begin. He felt like he was ten years old again and had just been caught by his father trying to cop a feel of some hidden inventions in the garage. He shuddered from the vividness of the memories, though it appeared to have helped the noble thief grasp what he initially wanted to say.

"So do you two have something you want to confess?" he asked, giving them the option to confess now without the silver-tongued pirate having to cough up the words himself.

They continued to stare up at him with their innocent expressions, both shaking their heads in unison.

Balthier decided to approach this at a different angle, growing tired of the artificial, guiltless expressions.

"Look," he began opening both palms as he addressed the matter. "At your age, you guys are bound to have… urges… completely natural urges," he gaze focused on Vaan, and he again recalled what he had said about his multiple _male_ partners. He had always had an itching that Vaan may be as straight as a circle, or swung both ways, but never had he pondered hard enough on the topic to look for evidence to promote that idea. He wondered if everyone aside from him had been aware of the lad's orientation.

Balthier failed to continue with the statement he had begun with. The children stared at him as wide-eyed and bushy-tailed as they had been when they came into the room. It was clear to him that the pre-school chat was not going to cut it.

"I know what you two are up to."

Still blank.

"I heard you two…"

Vaan's lip gave a twitch.

"In _his_ room, last night," he finished, pointing a finger accusingly at the blonde bombshell.

Finally, the guilty look! Their masks crumbled, revealing the burning, flushed cheeks of Penelo and Vaan's "Oh-crap-they've-caught-me-again" look which was composed or narrowed pupils and a gaping mouth.

Balthier sighed in relief, glad that he did not have to go into more detail than was necessary. He didn't think he was strong enough to present vivid descriptions of how he came about the duo's secret meetings without convulsing half-way through.

"Oh geeze, Balthier… we… we didn't mean any harm!" Vaan began, though Balthier waved him down before he could continue.

"It's not that big a-deal. I'm just hear to tell you that, well, aside from being slightly shocked that you two have been…" he trailed away, laughing off the remainder of his phrase.

"You mean… you don't mind?" Penelo intervened, her fair features brightening at the prospect of _not_ getting into trouble. She and Vaan spent a moment reveling in the fact that this would not be turning sour. "Gosh, we are so happy to hear you say that, Balthier! You have no idea how hard it has been keeping all _this_, a secret!"

_I can imagine!_ Balthier thought, with a weary grin.

"So how long have you two been doing _this_?" he queried, glad that they were replacing technical words with vague, 'this's and 'that's.

"A couple of months now," Vaan answered with a sheepish smile, scratching the back of his nape while he leant forward on his chair. "Wow, Balthier, we're kind of surprised you are taking this so well," he admitted after a pause, glancing up at the captain from his bent position.

"Yeah," Penelo said, bobbing her head to reinforce her agreement. "We thought that if we told you would lecture us on the dangers and the mess we could make!"

As well as it had started, Balthier had a funny notion that things were beginning to go downhill. He coughed at her choice of words and chose to peer out the window rather than confront the eager gazes of his traveling companions.

"Yes, well – as long as you are careful." He was quick with his answer, hoping to move off the topic. However, Penelo was still elated by the fact that Balthier was so accepting of this situation – so much so, that she failed to stop where it was socially acceptable.

"Wow! I am so glad we could get this off our chest. I mean, I get what you mean with being careful – I have broken so many things and bruised Vaan in so many places that I am surprised he is one piece!" She poked him; emphasizing her point as Vaan winced and clutched his arm here her strong digit prodded him. Her face turned solemn once more, and her beseeching temperament forced Balthier to look this way.

"But are you like, positive we can do it inside?"

"What?" he spluttered, loosing his cool. "Where else would you do it?"

"Outside, obviously," Vaan said in a matter-of-fact voice, tutting at Balthier as if he was a child.

"Out…side?"

"Well yeah. I mean, I know that's where you and Fran do it – or whenever you reach a town or something and we know that's the example you want us to follow."

The pirate gawped at Vaan, unable to restrain his pouting lips or the way his tongue clicked against the inside of his cheeks in an endeavor to form words. However, he made an effort to regain control of the circumstances.

"What Fran and I do in private is-"

"Private?" Vaan interrupted with a laugh.

"Aww, Balthier, you know we can all see you!" Penelo chuckled, joining in on the merriment much to his surprise. She gave him a friendly pat on the knee and he jumped at the contact, unsure about what he was to expect from these mischievous teenagers.

"See… but _how_… what?"

"It's not a big deal. I mean, I've never seen you using one, personally, but we've all seen Fran with one, and man can she handle it!"

"She is incredible! I wish I could be like her," Penelo admitted, color rising to her cheeks. "And the thing is, she always complains that she doesn't like them, but she can use it in so many different ways that it is just a shame you don't see her with one more often! I mean, we had to go all the way to Balfonheim Port to see her use one properly!"

"Penelo!" Vaan said quickly, and immediately she clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Oh no, I've said too much!" she said, noticing Balthier's shocked expression.

Vaan seemed content to finish what his friend had started, hoping to clear a few matters up.

"It's not as bad as it sounds."

"Oh really?" Balthier was not going to get any wittier than he was now in his current state of disbelief. "Fran…"

"No, it wasn't her fault. You remember how we were sent into down to get some loot from the Wyrms down in the Steppe?"

It all sounded like drabble, but Balthier nodded all the same.

"Yeah, well we ran into some bandits – a couple of seeks lookin' for trouble, and Fran didn't have anything on her. We didn't tell you because we didn't want you worrying about us."

"Didn't have anything…" _Was my Fran, my Viera… walking around naked? _

He thought Vaan was reading his mind because he gave an enthusiastic nod in response to his friend's gaping expression.

"Yeah. I know – bad time for that. Anyway, they wanted some gil and stuff and to be honest, from all the hunting we were pretty much too beat to do any real damage. Luckily Fran saved the day-"

"All by herself!" Penelo stated with a proud nod, deciding it was her turn to tell the story. She was so excited by the recollection of what happened not two weeks ago that she was fumbling to find the right words and make coherent sentences from them. "She was… spectacular – amazing! Just… wow! She just grabbed Vaan's and wow: one minute she was on her knees, then she was knocked back, then she was up and down and around and… well, let's just say they'll never mess with a Viera again!"

"And she finished them off all so quickly."

This was wrong, it had to be wrong. Balthier was trying to make sense of the lady's incessant ramblings, picking on the few words that appealed to him; namely whatever involved Fran. Unfortunately, everything she was involved in seemed to circulate with some gang-bang smashup out in the plains of the Cerobi Steppe. It was honestly, more than the man could handle.

This discomfort just passed the two by; Vaan and Penelo sharing quaint exchanges amongst themselves at how incredible the experience had been.

"I am going to have to practice loads if I have any chance at being half as good as Fran is with those things!"

"Yeah, but you are getting better! I am sure you'll be as good her one day!"

Balthier's blank expression prompted Vaan to explain, though the gentleman had certainly heard enough for one lifetime and was ready to collapse in his room with a large quantity of alcohol for company.

"Well, like you said, you heard Penelo practicing yesterday night. She is gettin' pretty good now – even if she is a girl." The comment earned him a nudge from Penelo, but she was grinning ear to ear from the praise and it seemed her Cheshire grin would continue to grow as more compliments were fired her way. "I'd say she is better than some guys I've been with before back home. I mean, after a few tentative goes she was swinging it around and naturally, she knocked a few things over, but no real damage done! At least she didn't leave any marks on me!"

Penelo let out an airy chuckle and batted her eyelashes. He had never thought of it before, but with this new information, Balthier concluded that Penelo was the ultimate ninja slut he had met in his years. However, his thoughts were soon alerted by Vaan's appraisal.

"Swinging it round? How long is it?" he asked, without even acknowledging what he had said. It was an impulse – how could he refrain from asking him such a thing when it was practically begging to be questioned.

"Not as big as Basch's, that's for sure!" he said, crestfallen.

"You've seen Basch's…" he failed to say it once again.

"Well he is always waving the damn thing around. I don't think he will ever manage to sheath that thing."

"Oh, but Vaan, yours is just as long!" Penelo said, sensing Vaan's deflating ego.

"How long is it?" Balthier asked again, not even bothering with social decorum. That went out the window as soon as Penelo became an uber-slut and Vaan the town bicycle – everyone has seemed to have taken him from a ride!

He measured it in his palms – not even his fingers as Balthier would have expected. The longer it got, the more Balthier began to worry.

"I think it is about as long as my, leg.

"You are lying!" Balthier declared, his eyelids disappearing behind the bone of his brow as he watched Vaan's guiltless face. _Unless you are the son of a Bangaa and a Hume, I don't think it's possible!_

Penelo intervened, coming to Vaan's aid. "No it really is huge."

"I can show you if you'd like, won't take long to get it ou-"

Balthier waved his arms frantically, managing to hit the panel behind him because of his over the top gestures. The ship gave an uneasy jitter, but Balthier was too preoccupied to tend to it as he should to.

"No, no, not necessary!"  
Vaan shrugged. "Alright. Well like I was saying, you've must of seen Basch's tons of times. He was actually the one who got Penelo and me into this whole thing," he explained, lounging back on his chair in a carefree manner, though his eyes betrayed his nervousness as they remained fixed on the panel that Balthier hit.

It again was Penelo's turn to dictate. "Basch and _Ashe_ – remember? _They_ were the ones to get us who inspired us. We caught them in her room when you were out! Now they were something else!"

Even Vaan, who had been recently disheartened by his smaller instrument, had been revitalized as he recalled the time he walked in on the two. He nodded his head in agreement, azure eyes glazed as they peering out into the clear skies that engulfed them.

"Definitely. It is just so much more impressive cause their," the Strahl buzzed loudly, blocking muting Vaan for a time as the engines adjusted to a decent in altitude. They were nearing Rabanastre – and just in time for Balthier who was ready to hurl himself into the closest bar. "so much bigger," was the last of what the sky-pirate made out.

Before Vaan could continue praising, Balthier had to interrupt. "Wait, wait! What do you mean, by their… you mean the princess?"

"Yeah. She's got one two. Hers is the newest."

"_Newest_? What? Do you just grow these things?"

Penelo was cackling loudly, rocking back and forth on the chair as laughter raked her body, leaving her in a shuddering heap. Vaan, tried hard not to join in, and made small snorts through his nose.

"Of cour-cour-course not! She had to buy it!" Penelo giggled, covering her open mouth with her petit hands, struggling to find time to breath between intervals of laughter.

"She just wanted to be one of the boys for once," was Vaan's two gil when the merriment came to an abrupt halt.

"So, Ashe started to use her one as well – just for practice. Plus, helps take an edge off from all this waiting about."

"And she's really quick on her feet, although when she was with Basch there was no doubt that he being placid… Such a gentleman!" Penelo piped.

"But to be honest, I don't think the princess has a chance against Penelo – with her handy work, she'd finish anyone in no time. Basch certainly takes it easy on her. Boy that man has control – he can just toss it about so slowly that it's almost like it wasn't a meter long monster!"

"_Monster_?" Balthier repeated, rolling the letters on his tongue, making it foreign sounding to his ears. It was the only way he could stop it registering in his mind. The Strahl had finally descended from the heavens, making way for the run away that materialized out of the thick rolling clouds that concealed the aerodrome. Balthier had left it on autopilot; not seeing any need to navigate his top of the range craft. Besides, in his current state he would probably do a swan drive straight into the ground, his nerves were so shot.

"Seriously – a monster! I can't even get my hands around it!" Penelo gestured with her hands to show the girth of it. She then started giggling once more, and apparently Vaan knew what the fuss was for from the way his cheeks burned pink.

"Ha! I remember the first time Vaan and Basch went at it! It's was fight to the death between them. I swear, Vaan almost got his eye pokes out with his one he was so enthuse-"

"NONO!" Balthier bellowed, extracting himself from his seat in a sudden flurry. The Moogle in question came rushing into the cockpit, his bright eyes staring at his captain in wonder – unsure why he was removing himself from his seat when the aircraft was preparing to land. Nonetheless, the Hume was making his way towards the exit of the cockpit, coaxing the Moogle inside.

"Make sure this taxies into a space, Nono, and stay with the ship," he told him.

"Where are you goin'? Vaan inquired, his head twisted painfully around his seat as he buckled himself in.

"I am going for a long drink at the Sandsea, Vaan, and I shall _not_ be back until I am absolutely cockeyed, and have spent my loot on the first wench that passes me by!"

With that, the portal closed shut behind them; Balthier poised by the exit of the craft to leap out as soon as the Strahl touched the ground. The sky-pirate had not wanted to be so far away from the sky in all his life; but if it meant getting away from the lunatic group he had fallen in with, he would gladly jump out the vessel here and now.

Every man had his limits.

Balthier's came when he could no longer look at his Viera partner in the face; could imagine the Princess of Dalmasca with a fake rod between her thighs; Basch, with a third leg; Vaan working on that third leg, and Penelo practicing her technique on all of them!


	3. Chapter 3

**T I T L E** : Naughty Karma Eavesdropping  
**C H A P T E R **: Chapter Two  
**A U T H O R** : ViviBell  
**R A T I N G** : T - Uh, mature themes, but nothing explicit. Its more the language that is... coarse. Slightly  
disturbing humor to say the least.  
**S P O I L E R S** : Not really, no.  
**P A I R I N G S** : Ha... Quite a few as far as this fic is concerned.  
**S U M M A R Y** : Its not polite to eavesdrop!  
Balthier finds out first hand that you wont always find out things you want to hear!  
**  
D I S C L A I M E R** : Don't own SquareEnix's FFXII - or any of its original characters.

* * *

When Balthier returned it was so late, it's early; strutting down the tar-mat with an extra body to lean on. An airhostess volunteered to escort the young Archadian in fear of his walking onto the runway and getting pummeled by some unknowing aircraft. It was a hassle directing him and getting the man to tell him which vessel belonged to him, however after a few confessions of heartbreak and disturbing happenings upon the ship, she managed to catch its name.

The problem now was dumping this alcoholic before she got much of a look at the infamous Strahl.  
"You know, pet, you're familiar-lookin'," Balthier slurred into her neck, giving a feminine giggle as he stumbled over his own footing, managing to cause the hostess to falter on her steps. "What's your name?"

"Ann?"

"Ann?" he repeated, showing a muted form of surprise. "I think I've done your sister… have you got one?"

"Several," she huffed, growing tired of dealing with the reeking stench of rum and ale which spewed from his mouth like a Marlboro's Bad Breath. She could only hope that the aircraft was close.  
Well, it was her first sliver of luck of the evening.

"Ah, there it is!"

Balthier pointed groggily towards a docked vessel, hidden beneath the veil of the umbra. Despite the closeness, Ann could not make out any distinctive features and worried that the pirate was mistaken.

"How can you tell?"

He stretched his finger as much as he could, squinting to better his aim and vision.

"There. 'Cause I'm the only bastard who has a Viera co-captain."

Ann soon picked up on the form poised by the entrance of the Strahl – her distinctive ears twitching so voraciously that it was a wonder they didn't flick off. It was evident that her eyes were focused on the pair – primarily Balthier, who gave a listless wave in her direction.

It appeared that it was the only sign she needed to confirm the worst – Balthier was utterly hammered.

Her aforementioned ears gave another angry twitch before flicking backwards, the flipside of her ears turned to face them. She was furious.

"_Balthier_," she growled as Ann rested him against the stairway to the ship.

"'Lo Fran, my luff!"

"Where have you been?"

"I was with darling Ann over here," he pointed to the side where the Hume was not standing, earning a snort from both females. "I promised to show the girl how to work my Strahl; show her how to cop a feel of the knobs and so forth." He gestured lewdly with his hands to describe his true intensions which had always been clear to the hostess. "And you know what Fran…" Balthier said, deciding it was best to whisper though it was louder than it had been before. "I think I did her sister…s"

"Thank you, Ann for your aid. I will take care of him now," Fran said graciously, offering the woman a curt nod of her head before narrowing her gaze on the captain. Ann was all to happy to be dismissed and stepped away from the couple before jogging off back the way she came.

Balthier stretched out a hand, seeking aid from his partner.  
He received no such luck.

"We were meant to have taken off hours ago, Balthier," she scolded him, watching the twenty-two year old wriggle on the ground, trying in vain to grab hold of the railing. "But you decided that you would drown yourself with your Hume drinks."

"Fran?"

"What?"

"I've got a headache," he said meekly while he managed to climb himself up the stairs into the ship. He leaned himself on the wall opposite Fran, holding his head in one hand to emphasize his point. "Could'ja do me a favor sweetie, and put the kettle on?"

He was not making any sense.

"You are drunk, Balthier!"

"Fran, a drunk man never is leading."

"You mean a leading man is never drunk?"

"Don't mock me!" he said, finally showing the beginnings of emotion. He frowned, and turned away from her, ambling towards his cabin. "I heard about you down in the town."

"I do not understand."

"Pffft!" Please! You know exactly what I am talking about – Vaan and Penelo told me everything!"

The silence that wedged in-between them was a signal that Fran had indeed, understood what he was hinting at.

"So you discovered the dilemma we met at the Cerobi Steppe?"

"What? You didn't think I wouldn't find out?" he spat, halting outside Vaan's door and transforming his tone into a low whisper. "I would like to discover how much there is that I don't know!" With that, he leaned his head towards the door, and as predicted, could hear multiple mutterings coming from within.

Fran looked uneasy. "What are you doing, Balthier? This is not right!"

He hushed her with a wave of his fingers, concentrating on the dull voices within. "Finding out what other kinky things have been going on behind my back!"

"Penelo! You're still holding it wrong!"

"I know, I know! But I just want to hold it tighter so it doesn't fall out of my hands like last time!"

"Can you hear that?" Balthier inquired, knowing full well that the Viera could pick out every sound coming out of that compartment.

"Don't worry! Move it around some more – use those techniques I showed you."

Balthier had enough.

"That's it!" he yelled, opening the door and stumbling inside. Fran was right on his heels, holding him upright from the waist to prevent him from falling. The scene was exactly… not what the sky-pirate had been expecting.

Penelo had whorled round to face him, sword in hand. Vaan was equally as startled and bawled his fists in preparation for a fight. When they realized it was just their captains, they loosened up, but their dubious expressions never left their faces.

His sights were fixed on Penelo. "You're not naked?" Rather, she was fully clothed. The girl in question looked horrified by the statement, but had no time to voice her distaste.

"What are you doing?" Vaan asked suspiciously.

"I should be asking you the same thing!"

"What we discussed about this morning – that is what we are doing!" Penelo exclaimed, a fearful glint in her eye immerging at the prospect of Balthier going back on his word and telling them off for their activities.

Balthier eyed the sword.

"This is not what we discussed! You both are meant to be doing it!"

"We _are_ doing it!" they said in unison.

"No – doing IT: Fornicating, copulating, reproducing, sexual intercourse, having sex, like you said you were this morning!"

"You are not making sense, Balthier," Fran interjected, earning herself a glower from her partner.

"Look – I told you I heard you two last night! And you said you were – "

"Practicing it!" Penelo intermitted, reminding him that she did recall what she had told him this morning.

"Yes! _It_ being, sex!"

"No, _it_ being sword-fighting!"

"Oh, is that what you call it now adays?"

"NO!" Penelo's face flushed bright red, and she waved the sword in her had to highlight its true meaning. "S-W-O-R-D-F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G!"

"You thought we were doing it?" They both convulsed in disgust and the blonde girl almost thumped her friend over the head with the handle of her blade.

"Last night it sure sounded like it!"

"We were – wait. You were the one outside our door?"

Balthier could feel Fran's piecing gaze on his back; burning holes into his skin as it were.

"Well – yes, but that's not the point! What about this morning? You agreed to everything I asked and even elaborated on it! You said you were doing it and that you were embarrassed that I found out!"

Penelo began trying to explain while Balthier developed his point. Fran could be seen making curses under her breath. Vaan decided to clear it up once and for all.

"Embarrassed and scared! Don't you remember the weapons rule?"

"The what?"

"No fighting with swords, poles or guns inside the Strahl," the two teenagers recited.

It was soon becoming less ambiguous to Balthier; the sounds, the sexual directions, the connotations. He stared flabbergasted at his traveling companions, unsure what to admit, or whether he should admit to defeat. He couldn't – there were too many things yet to be solved.

"But you said, Basch's _thing_ is so thick you can't get your hand around it!" he cried out, pointing a finger at Penelo temporarily before turning to Vaan.

"And _you_ said that Ashe has got one too!"

"Yeah, the _handle_ is so thick I cannot get my hand around it."

"And Ashe has just bought a _new_ katana!" The pair stated, answering their designated questions. They were both glowering at Balthier – Penelo shaking her head in disgust while Vaan looked down at him like a father would to his mischievous son.

"Then… then-" his finger finally came to rest on the Viera behind him. She was startled to say the least.

"I do not own a sword."

"Exactly!" came Balthier's triumphant reply. "So she did have a gang-bang out in the Steppe!"

Penelo was shaking her head more forcefully now. "No. We ran into some trouble – some thieves wanting us to hand over our money. We were tired from all the poaching, whereas Fran – who had left her _bow_ at the inn, incase you thought she was naked from my description – was all riled up and ready to go protect us."

_Oh no_. He saw Fran's gaze harden on him.

"And since we were too tired to fight, she grabbed Vaans sword – the sword in my hand – and fought them off and I was envious because I have just decided to train with a sword and Fran is such as skilled fighter, even though she doesn't enjoy using them!"

Balthier grew desperate: there had to be something he was right about.

"But-"

"Balthier," Fran drawled behind him, her tones laced with disdain. "If you replace the ambiguities with the word, weapon, or sword, I am sure it will all come to you. Now, I think we have wasted enough time on your fancies. You can make it up to Vaan how to use the Strahl while I give Penelo a tutorial on how to best wield a sword."

The youngsters' faces brightened at the mention of their compensation, however they still managed to glower at Balthier who was itching to find something else to pick on to prove his theory.

"Gosh, Balthier, eavesdropping on us?" Vaan scolded.

"Going out and getting drunk, making Fran all worried?" said his blonde partner in crime.

Fran had already exited the compartment and was making their way towards their room. Unsure how to retain any shred of dignity, Balthier hurriedly followed his Viera out of the room, closing the door loudly behind him and leaving Vaan and Penelo to their sword-fighting, despite the fact that it was against the rules.

"But Fran!" he winged, "I am going to have a hangover! I cannot teach Vaan tomorrow!"

Fran's reply was locking herself in _their_ room, making sure the captain could hear the ominous click of the lock.

"_Fran_!" Please acquiesce my request and open up!"

"You thought that I would mate with a Seeq? Several Seeqs in fact?"

He cringed hearing the anger in her voice. "Mate… mate is such a strong word, Fran my love!"

"Then what do you think I did, Balthier?"

_Well, to be honest I thought you got on all fours and gave them a show of your mouth-work, _he thought, but managed to contain his musing. "I-I don't know. Can't you just see beyond this though?"

"The fact that you do not trust me?"

"Fran, you do walk around with half of each arse cheek hanging outside of your bodice, I can't help assuming-" she broke something inside, and the inebriated pirate realized he had gone too far.

"But this is beside the point," he said quickly, wondering from the hustle and bustle coming from that room, whether the Viera was looking for a gun to shoot him with. He obviously needed to appease her and fast. "Can't you see how jealous you make me? The fact that I worry because you are such a beautiful Viera that anyone would be mad not to ravish on sight?"

There was no response.

"Fran?"

"What?"

"Can I come inside."

"You can sleep in the cockpit."

"_Fran_," he moaned, banging his forehead against the door. "Please let me in."

"No."

"I-I will… tickle your ears for you?"

"No!"

"I'll let you drive the Strahl!"

"I do that anyway."

Gods, this Viera was infuriating. Who knew this rabbit could resist his charms and offers for a good tickle?

"Fran…?"

"Go away, Balthier. I want to sleep."

"I'll give you some carrots if you let me in."

There was a brief pause then the faint resonance of shoes against the metallic flooring. The door shuddered and Balthier could make out the resonance of a click – the door unlocked.

_Gets her everytime._

* * *

**N O T E S** : Another short one! Hope you enjoyed it loves, and thanks for all the comments and subscribers! xD  
I will say this though - this is not meant to be an accurate representation of my views of the characters and a display of my writing abilities - hell no!  
Its just a little something I decided to write. Didn't take long - didn't spend time thinking about any special words. It was more just getting the general  
idea written down.

Thanks again, poppets! Hope you like this:  
Lord knows that we've probably heard things that sound worse than they actually are.


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